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Love vs Self-Sacrifice

October 29, 2014 By 6 Comments

I disappeared for a few days from cyberspace because I was nurturing my relationship with my partner. Somewhere around Monday, I started to feel a strong pull to get myself back home and back on track and back to writing and back to being focused on my son. Dating as a single mama is it’s own can of worms. If you’ve done it, you know what I mean.

One of my best friends asked me this week what I thought my followers would say if they knew I was so focused on my relationship. I hope what you’d say is I’m human. I’m a work in progress. I mess up. I mess up royally at times.

But here’s the thing: I’m still moving forward. Each moment when I lose myself, I actually learn something about myself, which means I grow, which means in those moments I have the opportunity to see myself, to know myself, to find myself.

What I want to share in this post doesn’t have to pertain to a partner or a romantic relationship; it can apply to any relationship in your life that you nurture first before you nurture your relationship with yourself. I’ll be honest; this life lesson is still tricky for me to balance.

This week my partner and I faced a conflict. And there we were, ego to ego, like two dogs fighting over a rope toy. Neither of us wanted to let go.

I’ve always been an action person; letting go seems the opposite of action. The concept was foreign to me when I first began my practice of it about five years ago (at the time I was going through divorce after eight years of marriage). If your ego is strong enough, sometimes you need something life altering to sweep in and force you to let go. It was divorce and infidelity that forced me to let go. What choice did I have? I could fight and make myself miserable, or I could let go and choose to create the life I’d always dreamed of. It was that first time that I let go in my life that I began choosing miracles, though in the midst of it I didn’t know that’s what I was doing. At the time I was merely trying to survive.

In my current relationship, there are many moments when I must let go, when the argument of who is right and who is wrong doesn’t apply. There isn’t a right or wrong, no matter how much your ego wants to convince you otherwise. We are all on different journeys.

This recent silly battle went on between my partner and I for about 4 days. My ego was so justified that it almost convinced me to walk away. And then somehow, I let go. And I got in my car and drove to his house, and we barely discussed it again. Because as soon as my ego stopped it’s fight, there was no conflict.

I don’t say this to make it sound simple. It’s not; at times it’s excruciating. But Love is the ongoing act of forgiveness. Love is the letting go. Love is choosing something Higher. Love is hitting the reset button.

This doesn’t mean you sacrifice yourself.

Yes, our partners need us, our kids need us, but when your energy is continuously going into your family, you start to unravel and lose your center. How does it work in your house? In my house, I become irritable. I get tired. It’s physically draining to give of your energy without refilling your tank.

So many of us think that our partners should refill our tanks. Certainly there should be an even exchange of energy, but the most important thing you can do is refill your own tank.

Shortly after the separation from my husband, I was blessed to meet a man who held up a mirror for me and reminded me of my beauty. His time in my life was brief, but he was sent to me to teach me something very profound. Aside from any romantic attraction, I felt pure Love. For the first time in my life, I realized that it was in my loving him that my tank was filled. We didn’t need to come together; he didn’t need to love me back. The hole I felt from my husband leaving wasn’t filled with this man’s attention or time. It was filled with my ability to love purely with NO expectation of return.

It reminds me of one of my favorite Hafiz quotes: “Even after all this time, the Sun never says to the Earth: ‘You owe me’. Look what happens with a Love like that. It lights the whole Sky.”

I’m glad I got in my car and drove to see my partner the other night, but the real truth is, had I been nurturing myself with self-Love and had I been sending him Love with no expectation of return, I wouldn’t have had to make that trip in order to let go. I would’ve let go right from the comfort of my own home.

Always learning, always growing. When conflict comes, it’s a chance to find myself. I forgive myself when I fall down. Learning ME is the miracle, and I’m choosing miracles.

Compassion

October 23, 2014 By Leave a Comment

Yesterday I was flooded with Light at the writing workshop I facilitate at the county jail. We may not think of Light being in there. I’ll be honest: many times it doesn’t seem to be. But that’s not because there isn’t Light inside everyone there, it’s because as souls living in this human experience we keep shutting that Light down out of fear.

If we recognize and dissolve fear sooner, maybe we never have to suffer. Maybe the struggle thrives in the fear of releasing what we know, which is, all too often, fear itself. It’s the fear that holds us back, and then it’s the fear of fear that holds us back even further.

There are some people that don’t know “there’s a huge difference between a dog that is going to eat you in your mind and an actual dog that is going to eat you.”*

Here’s the miracle: we get to decide what’s real for us. That choice is part of our journey.

Yesterday one woman wrote about being in fear to actually articulate any of her “sins”. It resonated with me; I grew up in a Midwestern town where “confessing sins” in front of large groups of people was thought to be healing.

What’s healing for you is exactly what’s healing for YOU. So if confessing your errors in front of groups of people can free you, than that’s healing. But for this woman, she was so wrapped up in a need of approval (as so many of us are) that the idea of “confessing” to a group was debilitating. It created more shame for her.

She can’t yet see that the healing is between her and herself. All she has to do is forgive herself for whatever it is she’s so afraid to say. She’s not a violent criminal; she’s never physically harmed another being. She has shortfalls that are human and that just happened to land her here.

She was brave enough to share one of her “confessions” with us: One day, she got home late from work and found a bowl of peanut butter on the counter with a spoon in it. She asked her husband why it was there. He said, “That was your son’s lunch.” She has been carrying shame around about this peanut butter lunch for years. THIS is the sort of thing she’s been holding onto.

So many of us are mamas, so many of us are fathers, so many of us are caregivers, are wives, are partners. Life asks a lot from us, right? I will say my son has never eaten only peanut butter for lunch, but that’s only because he’s allergic. He’s eaten carrot sticks and cheese sticks for lunch. He’s eaten cereal on occasion. He’s eaten goldfish. And some days we just snack around all day with apples and things from the garden and popcorn with a movie and a little guacamole: random things around that are healthy enough. Things that are fueling his growth in the same way peanut butter could.

The biggest take away from my day was the judgment we all too quickly pass on one another. I can assume that if I didn’t live alone at length with a toddler that meals might have looked different. But as a mom, my job is to feed him and nourish him. We don’t have to cook all day long. In fact, if we do, we cook and clean and cook and clean and cook and clean once more. If this is powerful for you and healing for you, it’s a victory. For others of us, we have a need to express, and we need to take time to put ourselves out in the world and live in our purpose. And really, what could be more nourishing for our children than us actually taking the time to Love ourselves?

I could tell hearing this woman’s voice that it wasn’t healing and powerful for her to make perfect meals. She said herself that she had trouble letting go of that, trouble letting go of trying to be the perfect mother.

We ARE perfect mothers because we ARE perfect mothers. The moment we begin to compare our story to another’s, it’s no longer us; it’s our ego. The moment we’re in ego, we’re in fear. And in fear, we can’t nourish anyone.

Compassion is a choice of Love. Yesterday in that group, progress was made for every person in the room. I’m grateful. It was another day of miracles.

Try starting the day out with an intention. I started yesterday (thanks to my tea bag) with compassion. And I ended up here full of gratitude. It’s a choice.

* quote by Jim Carrey, Graduation Address to the Class of 2014, Maharishi University

Simple Thai Curry

October 19, 2014 By 2 Comments

As requested, here’s the recipe. It’s quick!

Simple Thai Curry

4 oz of Thai green curry paste

2 cans of lite coconut milk (unless you want to go all out with regular coconut milk)

1 lb of chicken diced

Olive oil

Jasmine rice

This is really simple. I brown and almost cook the chicken through first before I dice it. I use a wok, but a saute pan works too. Then I remove the chicken and let it cool a bit. Pour any excess chicken residue out of the pan. Throw in some olive oil (or much healthier: coconut oil), and saute the green curry paste for a few minutes. Then add the 2 cans of coconut milk. Cut the chicken into cubes, any size you like, and throw it back into the pan with the sauce.

That’s it, people. And it’s yummy delicious! Cook as much Jasmine rice as you need for your crew, and then serve sauce over rice. I garnish with fresh basil and slices of hot red pepper.

“Oh, oh, one more thing, before I forget…”* the brains behind this curry operation belong to my good friend, Rory Boothby. We went to undergrad together at Indiana University. We’d have friend dates at his place. He’d make curry, and we’d watch marathons of Columbo. Do you know Columbo? “There’s just one more thing, sir.”*

*Spoken by Lt. Columbo himself.

Roasted Garlic Hot HOT Sauce

October 18, 2014 By 3 Comments

I know we don’t all love the kitchen, nor do we all live in a rural setting full of farms with fresh produce. BUT if you do, or if you want to invest in peppers from the grocery, you can make this pretty quickly.

I use whatever peppers I have. Today it was Hungarian wax peppers. It doesn’t matter which peppers you use. (I saved all my jalapenos to make some jalapeno soup. . .wish me luck).

Roasted Garlic Hot HOT Sauce

Hot peppers of choice, enough to cover the bottom of a baking dish

One whole head of garlic

Mexican mint

Sea salt

Olive Oil

Here’s the truth: I don’t measure or follow recipes, so if you want to try this, you need to CREATE. Get messy and go for it.

All I do with the peppers is slice off the tops. Mine come from an organic farm, so I don’t even rinse them unless they’re noticeably soiled.

Tip: Getting a large stone makes crushing garlic cloves super simple. You just smash them with the stone, and then quickly peel away the skin. I’ve also heard that putting all the cloves in a towel, pulling the corners together (imagine a knapsack on a stick), and smashing it on a hard surface also removes all the skins. (It makes a big mess of your towel though!) Kids love to smash garlic. (Kids love to smash anything, don’t they?) I don’t get so much help with the hot peppers, but garlic smashing is a hit! Bonus: If your baby is young enough he/she will be so proud to “discover” the perfect garlic smashing rock for you when you’re out on a walk somewhere. Good job!

Mexican mint probably doesn’t matter to the “recipe,” though surely it will alter the taste. It doesn’t taste at all like mint. I’ve no idea how it got its name. I used it today because I have a bunch from my garden. Note: Mexican mint plants make pretty and tiny yellow flowers most of the season, and I use it in all sorts of burrito, taco, and rice dishes. Bonus: It’s easy to grow.

Note: Use only sea salt. Don’t use regular processed or iodized salt (ever).

The olive oil I just sprinkle over the top of the peppers before I roast them.

After cutting the tops off the peppers, lining the bottom of a baking dish with them, throwing on the smashed garlic (no need to mince), the sea salt, and the Mexican mint (if you have it), put the baking dish full of peppers in the oven at 450 for about 20 min or until the peppers start to show signs of roasting (brown or black areas, see middle photo above). Once the dish is cool enough to handle, blend everything up in a blender or food processor. If you need to liquefy it, use some apple cider vinegar (it has great health benefits and will also help preserve your sauce).

I store my hot sauce in canning jars, but I don’t actually can it. I keep my hot sauce in the door of the fridge all winter. It will last for months (unless someone in your household devours it sooner).

That’s it! You might ask how this recipe is good for kids. Well, it may not be. Our oldest (9) loves hot anything. For the others, it’s useless. But this blog is about YOU finding what YOU are passionate about. So if you like to cook, take a day to do it for YOU and not for the rest of the family. (And don’t worry, they won’t starve. Over in my world, lots of them come around to my wacky concoctions.)

I’m so grateful for this Saturday, even though here in the North Country it’s a soggy one. What I do today is a choice. I’m choosing miracles.

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